Purpose and Meaning
 |
The primary objective of
this web site--to bring about a debt default among one of the Persian Gulf
emirates--was fulfilled with yesterday's announcement of the default on $60
billion in debt by the island city-state of Dubai. The unexpectedly easy
achievement of this thorny objective has left the residents of the Ikhanosphere
in an existential quandary, momentarily stripping all meaning from these pages.
Never comfortable in casual
repose upon cushy laurels, nothing remains to be done but to move on to bigger
and more useful work, and so this evening the Ikhanosphere has emerged from
shadowy consultation with a ouija board as the rains fall reticently on the edge
of a thinning rain forest in order to define a new era in its existence.
We, here in the
Ikhanosphere, shall now turn our virtual ink of constructive criticism and
penetrating analytical commentary to larger and less eclectic targets than
megalomaniacal sheiks and their shrill investments in phoenix feathers and pixie
dust.
We now take on that most
troublesome of topics, something standing in the way of human progress itself
and indeed the natural planetary order: the polar bear. |
Who out there can possibly argue but that the tiresome polar
bear is standing firmly in the way of the planet's natural progression toward
its balmy short-sleeved future? As sea ice retreats under the atmospheric
march toward semi-tropical temperatures in Oshkosh and Schenectady, savvy
investors will spurn yesteryear's fascination with Florida and California to
make dramatic inroads into the next real estate Mecca as a new generation of
retirees seek eagerly to live out their golden years on the shores of Hudson Bay, where Club Med and Hedonism are rumored to have field agents already
scouting out property deals for mega-resort developments. Here in the Ikhanosphere we also find ourselves bullish on the small watercraft
manufacturing sector. We expect Boston Whaler to take the lead in 21st
century downtown Manhattan, though the impending diaspora of Venetian gondoliers
is expected to give the industry a good run for its money unless we are able
to constructively intercede in the interests of the planet and America's market
share of this dynamic manufacturing sector.
We could perhaps break two windows with the same stone by
contracting the gondolier set to help the modern and developing world's assault
on the polar bear through rampant emissions of carbon dioxide and other
greenhouse gases by underwriting large bounties on the Arctic carnivores, and by
announcing these bounties with a marketing blitz of flyers pasted to the overpasses and arches above canals that the
colorful gondoliers increasingly find themselves ducking their heads in their passage to
keep from banging them as they shuttle Venetian dead-enders in denial
over their city's Neptunian progression about their quotidian endeavors. While here in the Ikhanosphere we find great merit in this and
consider that the effort could be profitably aided by small town Americans
clinging to guns and religion, we think that there may be a more creative
solution that both gets the pesky polar bears out of the way while
simultaneously dealing with the problem of the gondoliers hot on their trails
before they figure out they have been sent on a wild goose chase. Rather
than elimination of the pesky polar bear through the long, drawn-out process of climate change or
the more instantaneously gratifying means of flying lead, the Ikhanosphere
think tankers propose a more nuanced approach to this problem. We have
determined that through the removal of a single letter we may be able to convert
all those polar bears into polar bars, which shall of course prove indispensable to the
new retirement community that will flock to the Arctic, at least until property values get
out of hand. If we are able to achieve this transition from bears to bars
gradually and stock these with plenty of grappa and other beverages to which the
unsuspecting gondoliers may be particularly partial. we may be able to distract
this class of skilled transport laborers into re-investment of their bounty
winnings into liquor revenues to support kickbacks for the politicians that
would eventually have to get involved to make it all work. As the
unsuspecting gondoliers find themselves increasingly the subject of palimony
lawsuits by Eskimo women resulting from drunken shenanigans under the midnight
sun, the new class of boatman that will spring into action in coastal cities of
America will be free from the otherwise expected "flooding of the job market" by
skilled Italian immigrants that would be inevitable if they were not all off in
the Arctic patronizing polar bars and defending themselves against child support
claims. This will clearly have the further
benefit of favoring Boston Whaler as otherwise, the pesky gondoliers might be
able to drive a market wedge in the small watercraft business and possibly
create capital flight to Italian boat makers, an ugly prospect that we are
unwilling in the Ikhanosphere to countenance.
For those that depend upon us for financial guidance, we are
not ready to rate Boston Whaler yet as a "buy," just "hold." However,
anybody that is not invested in dry ice is clearly missing out on a bellwether
investment opportunity. After all, dry ice is simply frozen carbon dioxide
and with atmospheric concentrations increasing, the cost of making dry ice is
dropping faster than the value of Dubai strip mall real estate leases.
Furthermore, the gradual increase in global temperatures presumes a positive
feedback in the dry ice market as greater temperatures create more demand, which
is in turn supplied at ever-decreasing costs because of the increasing
concentrations of CO2 in the atmosphere itself. Long story short, anybody that
is standing on the sidelines of this unprecedented economic opportunity may want
to re-examine their positions in light of the planet's climactic progress.
The Khan Man
Original:
October 19, 2008
Edit: November 30, 2008
Edit: December 10, 2008
Edit: October 2, 2009
Edit: November 6, 2009
Current: November 28, 2009